At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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