happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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