it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
