I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
