You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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