Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
