I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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