my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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