Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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