I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
