im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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