in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
