Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
