My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
