I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
