I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
