you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
