ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
