I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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