I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
