Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
