My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
