'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
