Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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