So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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