that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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