Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
