Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
