Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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