I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
