My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
