I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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