I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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