I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
