Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
