A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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