only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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