everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
