my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
