He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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