he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize