Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like death gave me a hand job
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
