Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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