Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
