Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
