with your own penis?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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