The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
