Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
