Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
