If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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