I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
