Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
and she was petting her beer can
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
