I puked a lego.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I want a musical about memes.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
