pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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