He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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